Midnight Expressions

I was going through old files on my computer when I came accross one of my musings. It's dated 2007 and even though I don't specifically remember writing it, it's unfortunate just how deeply I can still relate to the words I poured out so long ago. It's even worse that I feel there has been no progress. I should be the change I want to see in the world, I hear. So I suppose I am as much to blame for my tormented, seemingly unfeasible pensiveness but am I so cynical that it seems that the world has largely just not improved since? Or am I narrowing my measure of change too much?

COPY AND PASTE:

MIDNIGHT EXPRESSIONS

It’s 00h39 on a Saturday morning, the 7th of October, 2007 to be precise. I sit here before this computer bothered by my thoughts, engrossed by them once again and yearning to uncover my portion of contentment.

I am considering the futility of life, like a flame in the wind, a bubble in the ocean…how it quickly fades. My heart is troubled by the condition of our humanity, my humanity as well. Ruthlessly, we devour our fellow beings; we shed blood that breathes, the very blood that pumps through our veins. With our swords we pierce flesh, with our minds we deceive the feeble, with our words we kill spirits, all in all demoralizing the soul, bringing it to an end…leaving an empty vessel to roam the earth.

Many are lost without a hope for more. Love is a concept we have found to be far as fantasy…is it the detriment of our generation, the curse of our society? Are we doomed to carry on the burdens of this world to the grave? Or is redemption nigh? Is change possible?

Laughter seldom comes from the depths of our beings, true joy is being lost in the edges of our innocence, and the days of our true youth have become distant memories. It seems that from then, there is an imminent search for more, the burning desire that propels us to reach…but into what? What is there to be found without that wasn’t lost within?

My sleep is troubled and my thoughts plagued, language proves to fall short of the expression I wish to adhere to. Life is tumbling, changing, and a rolling stone out of control. The raging seas speak volumes of this torment and the whispering trees tell of the heart of my hurt. Our salvation seems to lie beyond our grasp and to each his own, settling for less than is theirs. Are we bidding for that which is not ours? Are we selling what does not belong to us? Are we falling short of our destiny? Are we losing purpose and forfeiting true fulfilment? Are we digging our graves for generations to come? Do our eyes even project further than the very next moment?

This love, this peace, this joy we once knew, is now seldom met…Are we substituting it all, afraid of the truth? Are these chains of fear going to be our demise? Will we rise again? Is there hope? The tales of old speak of more, there has to be more. The morality of our spirits has been ruptured, buried by our actions. Hovering above the surface, guarded by a fort of safety, we keep out that which may lead us to our emancipation.

Superficially communicating to keep up with the façade masking the intricacies of truth, we are stealing from our humanity. Are we all not of the same flesh? Of the same blood?
Why do we sift by colour, race, kin? Why don’t we meet at our similarities and rather chose to divide at our differences? How then can we possibly have hope?

I sit here reminiscing. I try to feel the hearts of those who are said to rest in peace. Did they build this road we tread? Can we divert to a greater path? The causes they fought for, died for…The tears shed and the blood…the expenditure of strength, the pursuit for an improvement? Was any of it to any avail?



How can I further express what I find hard to understand?
The decay of my own spirit, my own soul, my flesh and my heart…
The loss of my hope, my joy, my peace…
The worthless sacrifices…
The unrealized dreams…

What more can there possibly be? Have we deceived ourselves in our intent for more? Are we ignoring the inspection of the underlying cancer in the name of protecting the disguise we uphold? True satisfaction must have a source; few have discovered it and whether peasant or nobleman, those died contented. But our misconception or false confessions, our misunderstanding, our lies, they all steal…snatch from that truth…

Many of my thoughts remain an enigma. I’m bound by my own mortality, explore as I may, my questions will forever outweigh my answers. This is greater than I, than our mere human lives, it’s greater than I can expand my mind to conceive, it’s beyond any comprehension yet it eats away at me nonetheless. Everyday it devours the truth! There needs to be change, there has to be change and we are the only ones with the power to start the process!