I’ve done it all. Well, most of it. The alcohol. The casual sex. The drugs. I’ll say I’ve done most of it for my own peace of mind. Feel free to call it me being in denial. I’m a statistic. I am among the African Youth who have fallen victim to all that. The number of times I have woken up not remembering the events from the night before are more than I am proud of. I’m writing this from the other side the fence. I am one of the ones that need to be gotten to, that need to change. In my defense, I know I need to change. Living the life that I live… is like a drug. It’s highs and lows are like getting stoned then sobering up. When it’s good, it’s great, when it’s bad, the worst. The night life. The drunken escapades. Waking up with hang-overs so nasty and swearing not to drink again. That has been me. I do have to say though that I’m getting better. And no, I’m not just saying it to live with myself. It IS getting better.
This is the voice of those it the dark. I call it the dark because I once walked in a lit path. I know what my life lacks. I keep procrastinating going back to the light although I know the light means life. I don’t know why I, like the majority of my peers continue to stay in the dark. I have cried, hated, resented, regretted, lied, cheated, hurt and tried to forget. This life is emotionally straining. Why then do I continue to stay here? The thought of starting over frightens me. I see it like a relationship. Actually, I know it’s a relationship. I knew Him, God I mean. But sometimes I even have doubts about that. I went away form Him. I found a new way of life with new social circles, new routines, new habits, nasty habits. Those things are now part of me. Starting over frightens me. The path I chose caused me pain, but I find it easier to stay hear, rather than changing direction.
I see those in the light. I can’t help but get jealous. I know how they feel. I know the joy that comes with being in the light. I can live with myself most of the time but there are times it gets pretty bad. At times I try and think of what the others, the ones like me are going through. It must be worse for some them, Those being tied down by addiction and lack of vision. Some have never known salvation. Some have never felt the peace that comes with the light. The mis-conceptions that are spread in the dark are killing us, in masses. We need to be saved. Some of us know we need help, the rest are just simply in denial. We try so hard to get away from the person we are but all we do is get more tangled in the web, in the dark.
There’s got to be more than the constant chanting. The echoing “repent” and “change your ways”. That’s mostly what we get from those in the light. That’s how I feel anyway. There’s got to be more. I repented once, I turned around. I tried to head for the light. My old world moved on without me. I never felt so alone as when I first went back to the light. I was confused, I felt dirty, un-worthy, unwanted. . .
Now, unfortunately, I find myself back in the dark…
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3 comments:
i feel ua pain. though am in the light i know how it feels especially when ua back to the light from dark and every1 is chanting the change your ways chant and do not necessarily aid u in the walk...its tough to be in the light but again its all the worth more as u think of the eventuality and totalism of self realisation that comes with it...this is by no means a change ua ways chant, its a search for meaning in ua life urge....
The beauty of all this is the fact that you are human, and by human nature, you are subject to all this:frustration, fear, depression.
"When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my membrs. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from the body of death?(Romans 7:21-24)
Does this sound like what you are felling? Going through? Yes? Then you are human, and your flesh will subject you to that as long as you are in the human form.
The thing to realize, rather, what has kept me in the light since I consciously chose to walk in it, is the fact that if I look to man, I will be disappointed, I will find every reason to further indulge in the darkness....cursed is he who trusts in man.
Sometimes we want that miraculous sign that will rekindle our desire for the light, but we've been told that we will receive no more signs other than that of Jonah.Having known the truth and walked in the light, the enemy will rally all his forces if need be to keep us in the dark.
Those in the light may run out of words to say,but what they fail to remember is that their actions will speak much louder.
It is painful.I know.It took flirting with death to lead me back to the light, but at the end of the day, it is a conscious decision. Every day, when you wake up and feel like the weight of the world is upon your shoulders, it is that conscious decision to remain in the light that will steer you towards a life of salvation. Nothing else.
I pray that you find your way.
Love you hun!!I'm praying for ya!
Just thought i'd get that out of the way. An introduction to me... So ya'll can know what kind of pieces to expect. I can't say anything else on that topic for now.
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